disassociated because it feels so good

I am going to go to a School of Biblical Studies on September 21st. I'm scared. No, not because I can't handle it. Not because I am afraid of all the homework. Not because I'm afraid of meeting new people. No, no no. If that was just it then I could let go. Embrace the unknowing and get nervous when I'm two hours out on the ride there. What I am is more of a panicked state of being. I know what I have in me. I know all the ugly demons that float around my head, around my heart, around my mind. I know how they have kept me company in the state of my misery, or in no state at all. I have been content knowing that whatever I am doing is okay, because I have not been pushed. I haven't wanted to be pushed. I can easily smoke cigs, drink my coffee and bullshit about whatever the fuck I want because there is nothing to stop me. No moral barrier to clink my forehead on. Let me tell you, it has been a fuckin blast.
I have been sitting in my room all day packing my things, biting back tears. Maybe because I know I want more in my life then what I have and I am scared shitless i will finally get that more and I won't be able to handle it. I am leaving my best friends here, my siblings. My foundation is being rocked again and quite frankly, I am fuckin tired of being rocked to and fro.
I know in my head this is going to be good. This is going to be good, this is going to be good.
Yes, this is going to be good. For me.

seeing really is believing

I get lost in thinking that some people are better than they are. I get confused by trusting when someone does one thing that is kind. I guess not all things are always special. You can invest in something, give it your fucking heart, soul, and body and it still doesn't make it a miracle, it doesn't mean it is a beautiful thing. Being hurt by the same person over and over again you would think I am used to it. It does however get easier as time goes on, to let go. To let go of this "miracle" if you will. This untouchable thing that is touchable. That is so real, it's disgusting.
I did think that Jacob and I were special for so long. That we had been thru so much, he knew me so much, that he would never do that one thing, that very small one thing, that would crush me. I smirk as I write that because how ironic. He did and to let you know, I am fine. I am just astounded. As I stated earlier, I shouldn't be. There has been so very many instances that this has happened in the same relationship. This boy, this simple minded boy, that has taken everything from me, has finally done the forbidden. I am happy to say I have lived thru it. Victoriously.
I wish I could say that I won't think about it. I wish I could say that I won't be scarred by it. I do think that it will resonate in my mind, in my soul for some time.
I hate to sound cliche', or maybe I don't, but I feel as if honestly, no boy is trustworthy. Pouring your very self into a person who you think is reliable, worthy and a kind soul- just to get kicked in the face; let me tell you. It's horrible. Maybe a beautiful horrible mess tangled into one. It's terrible because you think your body won't be able to go on. That your heart will never beat again, or so you hope. The pain is so real, deep, thick, black and disgusting that another day, no, another minute is nearly unbearable. The beautiful thing about it is; you do live. You get up another day because you are strong enough. You eat another meal, go to work, live your life, because there is strength in your body, in your spirit that you didn't, that you couldn't imagine existed.
To wrap this up I will say that I am well. I am a bit sad. To know that I really can never trust this person is a horrible feeling. One that I will forever remember.

so stuck in a state of bullshit with the same person. I am hurt, thrown in a puddle of mud and shit. i hate him. I hate him. i hate him. im mad and hurt. im so frail inside and i do it to myself. i open myself up. lying to myself that it isn't the same. that i cant be touched. i am touched and it fuckin blows. i dont like feeling this way. its not rejection so much as it is betrayal. its the worst thing I have felt in a long time. someone so dear, a best friend, knowing me more than anyone could know me..has done this to me. i can't trust. i can't do this anymore.

all my blackness.

I keep waiting for affirmation. for some sort of sign that my heart can feel peace. that i will know what it is like to sit and not feel heartbroken. not being anxious about what my heart will have to endure next. i hate the fuckin world right now. it has nothing to offer me. no drink is good enough, no cig is good enough, no talk is good enough, no person is good enough. nothing feels this fuckin void that continues to get deeper and deeper. i feel scared for myself. for my heart. for my mind. that it will be lost forever to all its blackness. that this time, the hole is so big, the void is so big, there is no repair. i feel detached, depressed, absent. other times i feel like at any moment i will break down into tears. cry uncontrollably. and be lost to myself. to the world. forever. fuck him and his lack of knowledge. his lack of deep comforting words. he does not know me. he doesnt know the depth of pain i find myself in.
i cross my hands, tuck my arms, and began to cry. i let go of all the things that have held me captive for so long. all the things that have stolen my heart. i search for them in my minds eye. when i find them, i smile. i look and laugh. i walk up to them slowly. stare at them in the eye. then slay them. with all my strength. slather them till they are no more. you stupid fuckers. you have no control over me. know this. never cross me again.

a storm of terrible ugly things linger over me. i know that is going to come. if i am too still. to careful. it gets closer everyday. its waiting for me. I know it. i see its big ugly teeth and its black eyes. they stare at me. put a hole right through me. wait for me to let down my guard to devour me. i won't let it though. i am a strong bitch. hard as a shell. cold as the snow. nothing penetrates this heart anymore. fuck that storm. go fuck yourself.
i look at the things around me and wonder if there is something i am missing. something vital link to get me through the week, the day, even the hour.
sheesh, fuck my random thoughts huh.
I look in the mirror and see hate. it grows and grows. it gets bigger and bigger. out of control, uncontanable. I think I like it. No, i think i love it. it reproduces and breeds ugly fucking beedy eyed fuckers. they crawl all over my skin. i like it. No i love it. its everywhere and everything i know. i become those things. with the dark eyes. with the ugly skin. with the weird smell and the stupid grin. i like them. no, i love them.

isn't life a big bore

i wake up every morning realizing it will probably be the same go around, again and again. i wonder how the world, all of humanity can keep living as if everything is okay. as if each day isn't like the rest in some way or another. we wait for good times while wrestling with the bad. we bask in the good ones while knowing there will be one hell of a bad one soon. good and bad. fake, ugly, and evil. i swear boredom will make this girl go fucking nuts. insane. insanity will be the end of me.

meh

so today was bad, or good. maybe a bit of both. I am overwhelmed at the thought of moving on. scared shitless of the thought of letting go. of my foundation being ripped out from underneath me. three years of hard solid ground, cracked by my insecurity. my lack of coping, or realizing, or truthfulness with myself. I think that. I lie to myself a lot. because im scared. because i dont want to be alone. alone in my head, alone with my heart, alone with my thoughts. alone in this dark dungeon of a brain, with cells called my thoughts. with prisoners called my relationships, and torture known as my insecurity.
moments in today made it good. with sam, with my mom. i have so many blessings. i do feel grateful for these things. out of a fuckin shitty day i can have moments, glimpses into what God really wants me to have. hope, passion, realization, truth, provision. it seems as fast as it came, it goes though. that is the crack in the wall. the one that stares at me, waits for me to realize it has never gone away. that it will always be cracked. i can look away, i can walk away, hell, i can even try to patch it but it will always reappear. i hate you cement wall with your insecurity.
do you think the world continues to have life, continues to open its eyes everyday because it knows it will have these tiny little special moments? that it can live another day in death, stink and despair because it grasps on to sparks flying off of these miracles of minutes with those special someones by your side? i think so. i think that is the only thing that makes this world go round for me right now. a great conversation. some cigs with my coffee and a good fucked up book to relate too. i know it sounds off, but i thrive on this right now. my little miracles that make we want to keep holding on. keep waiting for another day.