a storm of terrible ugly things linger over me. i know that is going to come. if i am too still. to careful. it gets closer everyday. its waiting for me. I know it. i see its big ugly teeth and its black eyes. they stare at me. put a hole right through me. wait for me to let down my guard to devour me. i won't let it though. i am a strong bitch. hard as a shell. cold as the snow. nothing penetrates this heart anymore. fuck that storm. go fuck yourself.
i look at the things around me and wonder if there is something i am missing. something vital link to get me through the week, the day, even the hour.
sheesh, fuck my random thoughts huh.
I look in the mirror and see hate. it grows and grows. it gets bigger and bigger. out of control, uncontanable. I think I like it. No, i think i love it. it reproduces and breeds ugly fucking beedy eyed fuckers. they crawl all over my skin. i like it. No i love it. its everywhere and everything i know. i become those things. with the dark eyes. with the ugly skin. with the weird smell and the stupid grin. i like them. no, i love them.

isn't life a big bore

i wake up every morning realizing it will probably be the same go around, again and again. i wonder how the world, all of humanity can keep living as if everything is okay. as if each day isn't like the rest in some way or another. we wait for good times while wrestling with the bad. we bask in the good ones while knowing there will be one hell of a bad one soon. good and bad. fake, ugly, and evil. i swear boredom will make this girl go fucking nuts. insane. insanity will be the end of me.

meh

so today was bad, or good. maybe a bit of both. I am overwhelmed at the thought of moving on. scared shitless of the thought of letting go. of my foundation being ripped out from underneath me. three years of hard solid ground, cracked by my insecurity. my lack of coping, or realizing, or truthfulness with myself. I think that. I lie to myself a lot. because im scared. because i dont want to be alone. alone in my head, alone with my heart, alone with my thoughts. alone in this dark dungeon of a brain, with cells called my thoughts. with prisoners called my relationships, and torture known as my insecurity.
moments in today made it good. with sam, with my mom. i have so many blessings. i do feel grateful for these things. out of a fuckin shitty day i can have moments, glimpses into what God really wants me to have. hope, passion, realization, truth, provision. it seems as fast as it came, it goes though. that is the crack in the wall. the one that stares at me, waits for me to realize it has never gone away. that it will always be cracked. i can look away, i can walk away, hell, i can even try to patch it but it will always reappear. i hate you cement wall with your insecurity.
do you think the world continues to have life, continues to open its eyes everyday because it knows it will have these tiny little special moments? that it can live another day in death, stink and despair because it grasps on to sparks flying off of these miracles of minutes with those special someones by your side? i think so. i think that is the only thing that makes this world go round for me right now. a great conversation. some cigs with my coffee and a good fucked up book to relate too. i know it sounds off, but i thrive on this right now. my little miracles that make we want to keep holding on. keep waiting for another day.

its too much and too little that makes this void so complete

so im in a hole. a fucking black hole. there are things crawling around me and i dont even give a fuck.
its scary down here but the depth of despair i find myself in isnt comparable..so i just sit.
sit and feel scared. feel annoyed that it is cramped, and smelly. that the earth below me is wet. and brown. i hate the color brown right now. i hate this feeling. this out of control feeling. that at any moment, any second i will go crazy. pull out all of my hair, take off all of my clothes and run in front of a fuckin bus.
however the most freightening thing of all is that this pain will stop. i will be left without warning, without a chance to say goodbye. to say goodbye to my dysfunction. my "I don't give a shit attitude." who will i be then? surely not bethany robinson.
who is bethany robinson. a kind curvy girl with dark curly hair. big lips and an oh so sweet heart. fuck bethany robinson. fuck her into the deep brown soil she hates. until she no longer feel scared for darkness.