meh
so today was bad, or good. maybe a bit of both. I am overwhelmed at the thought of moving on. scared shitless of the thought of letting go. of my foundation being ripped out from underneath me. three years of hard solid ground, cracked by my insecurity. my lack of coping, or realizing, or truthfulness with myself. I think that. I lie to myself a lot. because im scared. because i dont want to be alone. alone in my head, alone with my heart, alone with my thoughts. alone in this dark dungeon of a brain, with cells called my thoughts. with prisoners called my relationships, and torture known as my insecurity.
moments in today made it good. with sam, with my mom. i have so many blessings. i do feel grateful for these things. out of a fuckin shitty day i can have moments, glimpses into what God really wants me to have. hope, passion, realization, truth, provision. it seems as fast as it came, it goes though. that is the crack in the wall. the one that stares at me, waits for me to realize it has never gone away. that it will always be cracked. i can look away, i can walk away, hell, i can even try to patch it but it will always reappear. i hate you cement wall with your insecurity.
do you think the world continues to have life, continues to open its eyes everyday because it knows it will have these tiny little special moments? that it can live another day in death, stink and despair because it grasps on to sparks flying off of these miracles of minutes with those special someones by your side? i think so. i think that is the only thing that makes this world go round for me right now. a great conversation. some cigs with my coffee and a good fucked up book to relate too. i know it sounds off, but i thrive on this right now. my little miracles that make we want to keep holding on. keep waiting for another day.
moments in today made it good. with sam, with my mom. i have so many blessings. i do feel grateful for these things. out of a fuckin shitty day i can have moments, glimpses into what God really wants me to have. hope, passion, realization, truth, provision. it seems as fast as it came, it goes though. that is the crack in the wall. the one that stares at me, waits for me to realize it has never gone away. that it will always be cracked. i can look away, i can walk away, hell, i can even try to patch it but it will always reappear. i hate you cement wall with your insecurity.
do you think the world continues to have life, continues to open its eyes everyday because it knows it will have these tiny little special moments? that it can live another day in death, stink and despair because it grasps on to sparks flying off of these miracles of minutes with those special someones by your side? i think so. i think that is the only thing that makes this world go round for me right now. a great conversation. some cigs with my coffee and a good fucked up book to relate too. i know it sounds off, but i thrive on this right now. my little miracles that make we want to keep holding on. keep waiting for another day.
posted by Beth at
11:50 PM
1 Comments:
I wish that I had comforting words to offer you…
I don’t think the world thinks in those terms as often as we do. When your sick inside you have to wait for moments in time that bring you comfort, or glimpses of hope that pass so quickly. It is what gets us through another day. It is our distraction from the constant hell we feel inside.
Everyday will get easier, and those moments will slow down so you can catch them. I promise you.
You are a deep, thoughtful, and beautiful person, full of insight and passion. I know you have so much pain inside. I am so sorry that you know that torment but you are not alone.
It’s the lot of sensitive people, I think.
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