disassociated because it feels so good

I am going to go to a School of Biblical Studies on September 21st. I'm scared. No, not because I can't handle it. Not because I am afraid of all the homework. Not because I'm afraid of meeting new people. No, no no. If that was just it then I could let go. Embrace the unknowing and get nervous when I'm two hours out on the ride there. What I am is more of a panicked state of being. I know what I have in me. I know all the ugly demons that float around my head, around my heart, around my mind. I know how they have kept me company in the state of my misery, or in no state at all. I have been content knowing that whatever I am doing is okay, because I have not been pushed. I haven't wanted to be pushed. I can easily smoke cigs, drink my coffee and bullshit about whatever the fuck I want because there is nothing to stop me. No moral barrier to clink my forehead on. Let me tell you, it has been a fuckin blast.
I have been sitting in my room all day packing my things, biting back tears. Maybe because I know I want more in my life then what I have and I am scared shitless i will finally get that more and I won't be able to handle it. I am leaving my best friends here, my siblings. My foundation is being rocked again and quite frankly, I am fuckin tired of being rocked to and fro.
I know in my head this is going to be good. This is going to be good, this is going to be good.
Yes, this is going to be good. For me.