seeing really is believing
I get lost in thinking that some people are better than they are. I get confused by trusting when someone does one thing that is kind. I guess not all things are always special. You can invest in something, give it your fucking heart, soul, and body and it still doesn't make it a miracle, it doesn't mean it is a beautiful thing. Being hurt by the same person over and over again you would think I am used to it. It does however get easier as time goes on, to let go. To let go of this "miracle" if you will. This untouchable thing that is touchable. That is so real, it's disgusting.
I did think that Jacob and I were special for so long. That we had been thru so much, he knew me so much, that he would never do that one thing, that very small one thing, that would crush me. I smirk as I write that because how ironic. He did and to let you know, I am fine. I am just astounded. As I stated earlier, I shouldn't be. There has been so very many instances that this has happened in the same relationship. This boy, this simple minded boy, that has taken everything from me, has finally done the forbidden. I am happy to say I have lived thru it. Victoriously.
I wish I could say that I won't think about it. I wish I could say that I won't be scarred by it. I do think that it will resonate in my mind, in my soul for some time.
I hate to sound cliche', or maybe I don't, but I feel as if honestly, no boy is trustworthy. Pouring your very self into a person who you think is reliable, worthy and a kind soul- just to get kicked in the face; let me tell you. It's horrible. Maybe a beautiful horrible mess tangled into one. It's terrible because you think your body won't be able to go on. That your heart will never beat again, or so you hope. The pain is so real, deep, thick, black and disgusting that another day, no, another minute is nearly unbearable. The beautiful thing about it is; you do live. You get up another day because you are strong enough. You eat another meal, go to work, live your life, because there is strength in your body, in your spirit that you didn't, that you couldn't imagine existed.
To wrap this up I will say that I am well. I am a bit sad. To know that I really can never trust this person is a horrible feeling. One that I will forever remember.
I did think that Jacob and I were special for so long. That we had been thru so much, he knew me so much, that he would never do that one thing, that very small one thing, that would crush me. I smirk as I write that because how ironic. He did and to let you know, I am fine. I am just astounded. As I stated earlier, I shouldn't be. There has been so very many instances that this has happened in the same relationship. This boy, this simple minded boy, that has taken everything from me, has finally done the forbidden. I am happy to say I have lived thru it. Victoriously.
I wish I could say that I won't think about it. I wish I could say that I won't be scarred by it. I do think that it will resonate in my mind, in my soul for some time.
I hate to sound cliche', or maybe I don't, but I feel as if honestly, no boy is trustworthy. Pouring your very self into a person who you think is reliable, worthy and a kind soul- just to get kicked in the face; let me tell you. It's horrible. Maybe a beautiful horrible mess tangled into one. It's terrible because you think your body won't be able to go on. That your heart will never beat again, or so you hope. The pain is so real, deep, thick, black and disgusting that another day, no, another minute is nearly unbearable. The beautiful thing about it is; you do live. You get up another day because you are strong enough. You eat another meal, go to work, live your life, because there is strength in your body, in your spirit that you didn't, that you couldn't imagine existed.
To wrap this up I will say that I am well. I am a bit sad. To know that I really can never trust this person is a horrible feeling. One that I will forever remember.
posted by Beth at
7:09 PM
1 Comments:
First of all...(cover your ears or skip down a line or two if you are offended by strong language) Jacob is a dumb fuck. a simpleton. a penis face. You want the definition of a penis face? Penis face: A simple-minded boy who sees life and makes decisions through his one-eyed snake.
I do apologize for my coarse words...
I do, however, know that you will find a MAN that is worthy of you. Someone that honesty will flow through every fiber of his being. He will be someone you can confide it without fear or judgement and someone that sees the beauty in every pore of your body.
I swear this to you, from one sister to another, from my heart to yours...
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