all my blackness.

I keep waiting for affirmation. for some sort of sign that my heart can feel peace. that i will know what it is like to sit and not feel heartbroken. not being anxious about what my heart will have to endure next. i hate the fuckin world right now. it has nothing to offer me. no drink is good enough, no cig is good enough, no talk is good enough, no person is good enough. nothing feels this fuckin void that continues to get deeper and deeper. i feel scared for myself. for my heart. for my mind. that it will be lost forever to all its blackness. that this time, the hole is so big, the void is so big, there is no repair. i feel detached, depressed, absent. other times i feel like at any moment i will break down into tears. cry uncontrollably. and be lost to myself. to the world. forever. fuck him and his lack of knowledge. his lack of deep comforting words. he does not know me. he doesnt know the depth of pain i find myself in.
i cross my hands, tuck my arms, and began to cry. i let go of all the things that have held me captive for so long. all the things that have stolen my heart. i search for them in my minds eye. when i find them, i smile. i look and laugh. i walk up to them slowly. stare at them in the eye. then slay them. with all my strength. slather them till they are no more. you stupid fuckers. you have no control over me. know this. never cross me again.